Category Archives: Humor

Jul. 21, 2015 Bad Shark Tip 2

When facing down a shark, do not punch it in the nose. Since the movie Jaws came out, the sharks may be actors and damaging their faces may hurt their careers. They also might have Hollywood lawyers, who are much more dangerous.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jun. 29, 2015 No Dice

I was walking down the street and saw two men playing dice on the sidewalk like it was the Roaring Twenties. I half expected them to break into a song from Damon Runyon’s musical Guys and Dolls.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jun. 27, 2015 No Soap

The liquid soap dispenser I bought fifteen years ago has broken. Gee, you would think that something you paid two dollars for would last forever.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jun. 25, 2015 Foreign Object

The electricity went out. I call the power company. They say it was because of a foreign object in their equipment. A foreign object? No further details. I’ve got to know. Was it a squirrel? Was it something foreign like French champaign? Was is it a French squirrel? Would that be a furrin’ object? If there is there a classification for foreign objects, are there domestic objects like vacuum cleaners? How are any of these things getting in our power grid?

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jun. 24, 2015 Mobile Steaks

I was walking down the street and a guy driving a delivery truck asked me if I wanted to buy some frozen steaks. I tend not to buy food this way. Did I look like the kind of guy to do this? I politely refused, he took my picture with his phone and drove off in a hurry. Very strange.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jun. 23, 2015 Bowling For Questions

I was walking down the street when someone in a car asked me where the nearest bowling alley was. It was a very odd question and I had no idea. Couldn’t they look it up on their phone these days? Did I look like a professional bowler? Was I carrying a bowling bag or wearing those ugly rented shoes? Makes one wonder.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jun. 10, 2015 Northwest Heatwave

Weird weather in the Wild West. The other day it was ninety degrees Fahrenheit in Seattle and Portland. I know people in both places who moved to get away from the heat in California. Now it is as hot and humid as a Tennessee Williams play. Looking forward to Portland community theater summer productions of  “Sustainable Mass Transit Named Desire” or “Rescue Cat From A Hot Tin Roof” or “This Property Is Condemned For Its Carbon Footprint.”

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jun. 6, 2015 The Latest Version

A client uses software version 10 and wants to update to version 10.1. No one inside their company can do it. Their recruiter contacts a candidate and gives them a difficult time about not having the latest version. The candidate responds that the difference between the versions is minor, otherwise it would be version 11 and not just 10.1. The candidate is no longer interested. Soon the recruiter has contacted all possible candidates and treated them poorly. Unable to keep up in a competitive marketplace or pay candidates competitive rates, the client goes out of business. Their equipment and software is so old that it cannot be auctioned, only recycled. They got more money from their really neat, all cotton polo shirts. They were the latest version.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jun. 5, 2015 Never Can Say Goodbye

I wanted to close an old online account. The company made it really difficult. They are are going to do some very annoying things and customers are leaving in droves.

Their website contact information had no phone number. They wanted me to essentially create a new account before I could close the old one. Fortunately I still had their phone number in my records. I called them and told them I wanted to shut the old account down. I sat through a long script that did not persuade me, in fact it only made me want to close the account faster. The company representative added a roadblock. They said I had to have the original machine to close the account. This is the funny part. I still had the old machine. I turned it on and said okay, what next?

I don’t think they were expecting that.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline Al rights reserved.

Jun. 4, 2015 Do You Know How To Say San Jose?

A recruiter calls a candidate and wants to know if they are interested in a position in Sanjosie. Not San HoZAY. Josie. Like Josie and the Pussycats. The recruiter proceeded to mispronounce every piece of software in the job description. Oh, and the rate was ridiculously low. A recruiter should be prepared and know how to pronounce the name of the city and the skills required. Not knowing the how to say someone’s name is somewhat acceptable. Time to cue up the Dionne Warwick song.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jun. 2, 2015 Third Shift

The world works round the clock. The good news is that a recruiter calls the candidate. The bad news is they call at three o’clock in the morning. This would be fine if it were a position for making donuts. Isn’t there software to indicate time zones? If not, I recommend setting your office like it is a newsroom from the 1950s with a map of the world, some cheap clocks and label each one a famous city. Download some teletype sound effects and wear horn rimmed glasses as you stare into the camera on Skype.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

May 30, 2015 The 99ers

Believe it or not, the last people born in the twentieth century are about to enter the work force. Somebody born in 1999 was complaining about it. “Everybody will see the year 1999 in my records and think I’m really old.” I recommended not wearing handlebar mustaches, riding bicycles with large front wheels and not using a Blackberry.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

May 26, 2015 Cart Obit

I bring sad news. The plastic AV cart that I bought twenty years ago has died. For years it carried large CRT TV’s, VCRs, DVD players, DVRs, AM/FM stereo receivers, vinyl record players, cassette tape decks, CD jukeboxes, amplifiers and speakers. Eventually all these devices were replaced by computers and the cart was semi-retired to the garage. One day its plastic shelving began to fall apart under the stress of one bottle of laundry detergent too many. I regret not paying an additional hundred dollars for a steel cart but celebrated its life by taking it apart and throwing it into a recycling bin. It was preceded in death by a large wooden entertainment center containing so much urea formaldehyde that termites were embalmed after they tried to eat it. It is survived by an ergonomic computer tray with folding legs that can also serve breakfast in bed.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

May 20, 2015 Domestic Displacement

Someone recommended placing a bottle of wine in a toilet tank to save water. Frankly, I thought they had a more serious problem to think about if they were storing alcohol in a bathroom. They store domestic in the upstairs bathroom and imported in the guest bathroom. I recommend bringing your own glasses.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

May 19, 2015 Optics On Fiber

It was one of those conversations that you can only have in twenty-first century California. Some guys were trying to prove who was eating the most fiber. The first guy said he ate microwaved instant oatmeal for breakfast. The second guy said he ate boiled steel cut oats. The third guy said he went out in a field of organic oats, grabbed a fistful and just chewed until he was full. It was all very macho and should probably have taken place outside.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

May 18, 2015 Gerbil Sneeze

It rained a little last week but there is still a drought in California. In order to do my part, I bought one of those water saving shower heads. I installed it but the water flow was the equivalent of a gerbil sneeze. Since I do not have a pet gerbil, I reinstalled the old shower head and just take shorter showers.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Feb. 22, 2015 Blumbers

Apple iCar

There are rumors that Apple, Amazon and Tesla are developing robocars. Frankly, this cannot happen soon enough. Traffic in Silicon Valley is so bad that drivers cannot text or talk on the phone. They should not even listen to the radio. Just keep your eyes on the road and your hands on the wheel.

Here is a top ten list if Apple starts selling cars:

1. The stores are going to have to be bigger.

2. The car will require a special set of wrenches to open it.

3. There will be only one USB port to charge it.

4. You will have to buy a black vinyl cover for it to keep clean like Porsche’s from the 1990s.

5. If you are in an accident, you will have to exchange IP Addresses and call Apple Care.

6. The most expensive model will be gold plated. The cheapest model will be available in a range of colors.

7. It will be so thin most people will not be able to fit inside.

8. If the car is stolen Siri will lock the doors and drive to the nearest police station.

9. If you fall behind in your car payments, Siri will lock the doors and drive to the nearest police station.

10. Critics will still say Steve Jobs would have made a better one.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jan. 4, 2015 Blumbers

Boxelope ™

Over the holidays I received the mail equivalent of a Turducken. It was a three page document put inside a business envelope, inside an overnight envelope, inside an overnight box. It was a triumph of unnecessary packaging that I called a boxelope.

Copyright 2015 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Nov. 30, 2014 Blumbers

Shopaclypse

This is the time of year where I avoid holiday shopping crowds. There is no reason to risk being trampled by a mob at a store. Gadgets are not fruit. They do not go bad like bananas. If they run out, they can make more of them. Chances are it will be cheaper later and whatever bugs there are will be fixed. I just hope my supply of tuna and peanut butter hold out until January.

Copyright 2014 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Nov. 23, 2014 Blumbers

Humurducken ™

It will soon be Thanksgiving in America, a time of culinary excess. When a chef cooks a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey, they call it a turducken. After a human eats it they could call them a Humurducken.

Note: Hunger is not a game. No one should be hungry these days. Help if you can.

Copyright 2014 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Nov. 9, 2014 Blumbers

Halloween Hauler

On Halloween a mother brought her kid to the door. The kid had a bucket for candy but she was also dragging a miniature suitcase on wheels. She looked like a witch that was on her way to a connecting flight at LaGuardia airport. She took the candy from the bucket and put it in the suitcase. This way she could haul more candy in one trip. Clearly this was one ambitious and organized kid. She will go far if she does not eat the candy.

Copyright 2014 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Oct. 26, 2014 Blumbers

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is more complicated today. When people come to the door, I ask if they have any allergies. I have to find something that does not have nuts, refined sugar, dairy products, gluten, known carcinogens, red meat or radioactive materials. While I love handing out full size old school candy bars, I wind up handing out quarters. Apparently, no one is allergic to money. Bring a UNICEF box and I will double it.

Copyright 2014 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Oct. 5, 2014 Blumbers

Marking A Half Century

My friend Mark is turning fifty. That is 350 in dog years or approximately 1500 in goldfish years. Of course, if he was an Apple iPhone with a lifespan of two years, he would be only 25. If he were a bristlecone pine,  he would barely be a pine cone. If he were a Highlander DVD,  he would be a boxed set by now. If he were a Hollywood celebrity,  he would be in his fifth rehab.

Part of being a cranky old man is dealing with the next fifty years. Now he will be old enough to complain about dolphins voting, robot marriage, post-apocalyptic gluten-free cannibalism, offshore oil drilling in Kansas, plastic surgery for celebrity pets, and the inability to find a parking space at the euthanarium.

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Copyright 2014 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Dec. 22, 2013 Blumbers

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Happy Winter Solstice! Time to line up the rocks.

People move to San Francisco for the mild weather, but sometimes it gets cold. You can tell approximately when someone moved to Silicon Valley by the coat they wear during a cold snap. The other day I saw someone wearing a tan corduroy trenchcoat with leather buttons the size of doorknobs and wide lapels that stretched out to the shoulders. I asked when he had arrived in Silicon Valley and he said in his best Ron Burgundy voice “1979.” Since then I have seen Members Only jackets from the 1980s, goose down jackets from the 1990s and many neoprene fleece combos from the dotcom boom. The coat racks at the Holiday parties look like sartorial tree rings.

This brings up a point, If you can’t give someone a home for the holidays, you might give up one of your old coats. Help someone else stay warm.

Copyright 2013 DJ Cline All rights reserved.