Category Archives: Humor

Apr. 12, 2020 Blumbers

Yippy-Ay-Yo

Funny how much has the coronavirus changed things. Yesterday I walked into a bank wearing a broad-rimmed hat and bandana for a mask. I looked like Tom Mix robbing a stagecoach. Two months ago the tellers would have hit the alarm. Of course, if you want to rob a bank, own one.

Copyright 2020 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jan. 24, 2020 Space Force Logo

On  Jan. 24, 2020 UPI revealed the US Space Force logo that looks like the  logo for Star Trek. They should just call it Starfleet. Name all the shuttles after aircraft carriers. Find a guy named Kirk to run things. Make him wear velour miniskirts and go-go boots this time around. Fund the operation for three years and then let it go into syndication. Bring it back twenty years later with a much better Shakespearian actor named Picard and wear lycra leotards. Frankly the logo looks like a cursor for a 1990s GIS  app.

Copyright 2020 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jan. 1, 2020 Top Ten Surprising things about 2020

  1. People still smoke. Fifty years ago there was an ashtray for every carseat. Twenty five years ago there was a cupholder. Now every seat has a phone charger. I wonder what other  health hazards await us?
  2. We are still fighting China. We have always been at war with Eastasia.
  3. We are still fighting Russia. We have always been at war with Eurasia.
  4. A robot vacuum can clean your entire house, unless there are stairs.
  5. A robot car can take you to work, unless there are other cars (or people or squirrels) on the road.
  6. A phone can tell you anything you want to know. It can also tell anyone else anything they want to know about you.
  7. You have to pay to watch Gilligan’s Island but it is on a TV the size of billiard table.
  8. Because of global warming, you can wear white after Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
  9. Because of global warming, you can sail from Tokyo to London through the Arctic Ocean and still eat too much on the cruise.
  10. Grown adults are driving around in bicycles, scooters and skateboard like children in a1950s cul de sac.

Copyright 2020  DJ Cline All rights reserved.

 

Dec. 25, 2019 Gingerbread House Flip

December 1st

We took possession of our great aunt’s old gingerbread house today! It is old but has good bones.

December 2nd

Turns out the bones are from great aunt. Call funeral home.

December 3rd

Apparently a house made mostly of sugar attracts ants. Call pest control.

December 4th

Christmas lights from 1960s are not up to code. Fortunately all the asbestos helped contain the fire. Call fire department.

December 5th

Rats file lawsuit about lead paint. Call lawyers.

December 6th

Decorative pipes burst. There is icing everywhere. Call plumbers.

December 7th

Inspector finds foundation made of fruitcake. No one wants it.

December 8th

Gingerbread house eaten by raccoons. Insurance does not cover it.

Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Sep. 22, 2019 Blumbers

What The Floyd

I was in a record store that was going out of business. I found Pink Floyd’s 1975 album Wish You Were Here in the F’s not the Ps. Obviously some teen age employee thought Pink Floyd was a first and last name. This was funnier because there is a song on the album called Have A Cigar where a record company executive meets the group and wants to know “Which One’s Pink?”

I guess the next question is “What is Pink Floyd’s middle name?

Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jul. 4, 2019 Independence Day

Today Americans celebrate when the cast of Hamilton decided that they would not be ruled or influenced by foreign governments or inherited wealth. I’m glad that didn’t happen. Excuse me. What’s that? Really? Well, I’m glad that at least there aren’t tanks in the streets of Washington. What’s that? Really? Oh dear.

Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

May 5, 2019 Blumbers

Scooter Litter

A disabled veteran uses an electric wheelchair to get around San Francisco. Lately he has found sidewalks littered with abandoned electric scooters blocking his path. He had several ideas on how to deal with them. The first was to put a cow catcher on the front of his device similar to what you would see on a steam locomotive to push the debris out of the way. The second idea was a using a small crane with a electromagnet commonly used in scrap metal yards. The third idea was to outfit his device with large monster truck tires to drive over the top of abandoned scooters. I suggested an app which would identify whoever abandoned a scooter on social media.

Copyright 2019 DJ cline All rights reserved.

Feb. 17, 2019 Blumbers

Trawling

We are still trying to get artificial intelligence right with Autocorrect. I got a message from someone who said they were trawling. They meant to say traveling. I pictured them on an Alaskan fishing boat like an episode of The World’s Most Dangerous Catch. In fact, they were eating sushi on a plane.

Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jan. 6, 2018 Blumbers

Count Spatula

A store sent me a ten dollar non-transferable gift card. I did not want to spend any more money, so I bought a ten dollar spatula. They kept sending me gift cards and I kept buying spatulas. I had a drawer full of them. I always had a clean spatula. I started giving them to friends and family. I became known as Count Spatula.

Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Jan. 24, 2018 Trampoline

Insurance companies may not cover trampolines on your property because of possible injuries. I wonder if automobile insurance companies will cover thirty clowns in your car. The good news is you get to use the commuter lane.

Copyright 2018 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Nov. 21, 2017 Justice Blocks AT&T Time Warner Merger

On Nov. 21, 2017 NPR’s Alina Selyukh reported “Justice Department Sues To Block AT&T’s Merger With Time Warner”. DOJ is worried that the merger will concentrate too much control over content and drive up prices. Both companies said they would respond to these allegations on Wednesday between 10 and 11 AM. They then put DOJ on hold.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

 

Nov. 18, 2018 Squash Hopes

I have found a new recipe for squash. I hope it will make the gourd edible. Apparently you pound it until it looks like baby food and then do the same to an apple and mix them together. You put it in little containers and then give it to someone else.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Oct. 28, 2017 Computer Sharks

On Oct. 28, 2017 NPR’s Melissa Block reported “Top American Fears: Sharks And Zombies Or Corrupt Officials?” about the Survey of American Fears by Chapman University. “And we’re apparently as fearful of sharks as of computers replacing people in the workforce.” Frankly, I have yet to meet a shark that can code.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Sep. 8, 2017 Amazon New HQ

CNN reported that Amazon was looking for a second headquarters. Nobody can afford to live in Seattle anymore so they need to look someplace else in North America. Amazon wants to hire 50,000 workers and pay them over $100,000 a year. NPR reported that the cities had to have at least a million people like Baltimore, Chicago, Dallas, Detroit, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Toronto and Washington, D.C. I am not sure this is going to work. A few years ago Boeing moved its headquarters from Seattle to Chicago. It did not seem to a help people in either place. Employees kept flying back and forth in Boeing planes. Maybe Amazon employees will be carried back and forth by those little drones. IBM use to buy employee’s housing when they relocated. It worked well.

The solution might be to create more affordable housing in Seattle. It might be cheaper than moving. Wherever they move it will create the same kind of destructive real estate speculation that happened in Seattle.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.

Aug. 10, 2017 Google Robot Rant

On Aug. 10, 2017 McSweeney’s Ben Kronengold wrote “I’m A Google Manufacturing Robot And I believe Humans Are Biologically Unfit To Have Jobs In Tech””I, a manufacturing robot at Google Factory C4.7, value diversity and inclusion. I also do not deny that machines are sometimes given preference to humans in the workplace. All I’m suggesting in this document is that humans’ underrepresentation in tech is not due to discrimination. Rather, it is a result of biological differences. Specifically, humans have a biology.” Many of my robot friends thought this was as funny as Jonathan Swift’s essays.

Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.