Yippy-Ay-Yo
Funny how much has the coronavirus changed things. Yesterday I walked into a bank wearing a broad-rimmed hat and bandana for a mask. I looked like Tom Mix robbing a stagecoach. Two months ago the tellers would have hit the alarm. Of course, if you want to rob a bank, own one.
Copyright 2020 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
On Jan. 24, 2020 UPI revealed the US Space Force logo that looks like the logo for Star Trek. They should just call it Starfleet. Name all the shuttles after aircraft carriers. Find a guy named Kirk to run things. Make him wear velour miniskirts and go-go boots this time around. Fund the operation for three years and then let it go into syndication. Bring it back twenty years later with a much better Shakespearian actor named Picard and wear lycra leotards. Frankly the logo looks like a cursor for a 1990s GIS app.
Copyright 2020 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
On Jan. 22, 2020 the BBC reported Monty Python’s Terry Jones died at the age of 77. He brought much joy to the world. Nibble nibble. Crackle crackle.
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If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of my doctors.
Copyright 2020 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Copyright 2020 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
December 1st
We took possession of our great aunt’s old gingerbread house today! It is old but has good bones.
December 2nd
Turns out the bones are from great aunt. Call funeral home.
December 3rd
Apparently a house made mostly of sugar attracts ants. Call pest control.
December 4th
Christmas lights from 1960s are not up to code. Fortunately all the asbestos helped contain the fire. Call fire department.
December 5th
Rats file lawsuit about lead paint. Call lawyers.
December 6th
Decorative pipes burst. There is icing everywhere. Call plumbers.
December 7th
Inspector finds foundation made of fruitcake. No one wants it.
December 8th
Gingerbread house eaten by raccoons. Insurance does not cover it.
Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
What The Floyd
I was in a record store that was going out of business. I found Pink Floyd’s 1975 album Wish You Were Here in the F’s not the Ps. Obviously some teen age employee thought Pink Floyd was a first and last name. This was funnier because there is a song on the album called Have A Cigar where a record company executive meets the group and wants to know “Which One’s Pink?”
I guess the next question is “What is Pink Floyd’s middle name?
Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Today Americans celebrate when the cast of Hamilton decided that they would not be ruled or influenced by foreign governments or inherited wealth. I’m glad that didn’t happen. Excuse me. What’s that? Really? Well, I’m glad that at least there aren’t tanks in the streets of Washington. What’s that? Really? Oh dear.
Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Scooter Litter
A disabled veteran uses an electric wheelchair to get around San Francisco. Lately he has found sidewalks littered with abandoned electric scooters blocking his path. He had several ideas on how to deal with them. The first was to put a cow catcher on the front of his device similar to what you would see on a steam locomotive to push the debris out of the way. The second idea was a using a small crane with a electromagnet commonly used in scrap metal yards. The third idea was to outfit his device with large monster truck tires to drive over the top of abandoned scooters. I suggested an app which would identify whoever abandoned a scooter on social media.
Copyright 2019 DJ cline All rights reserved.
Today is Presidents Day and there are some great deals out there. You can buy a new mattress and put it in the back of your new truck because that’s where you’ll be sleeping if we don’t elect a better president.
Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Trawling
We are still trying to get artificial intelligence right with Autocorrect. I got a message from someone who said they were trawling. They meant to say traveling. I pictured them on an Alaskan fishing boat like an episode of The World’s Most Dangerous Catch. In fact, they were eating sushi on a plane.
Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Count Spatula
A store sent me a ten dollar non-transferable gift card. I did not want to spend any more money, so I bought a ten dollar spatula. They kept sending me gift cards and I kept buying spatulas. I had a drawer full of them. I always had a clean spatula. I started giving them to friends and family. I became known as Count Spatula.
Copyright 2019 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
I met a person who did not know about the TV show Gilligan’s Island. I said it was like the show Lost except it made more sense. I then tried to explain Lost.
Copyright 2018 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
I reached into an old suit jacket pocket and pulled out a pen from Blockbuster video store. An obsolete device from an obsolete store. The suit still works.
Copyright 2018 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Insurance companies may not cover trampolines on your property because of possible injuries. I wonder if automobile insurance companies will cover thirty clowns in your car. The good news is you get to use the commuter lane.
Copyright 2018 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
At this time of year I used to accidentally write checks with last year’s date on them. I fixed the problem. I don’t write checks anymore.
Copyright 2018 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Today I found that box of ethernet cables I was looking for… ten years ago. Think I have enough to run the first (and last) transatlantic ethernet cable.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
“A car park in the English city of Leicester, where the remains of King Richard III were discovered five years ago, is now a protected monument.” My kingdom for a parking space. Look at my works and park within the lines.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
I recommend Bob Vulfov’s humorous article “Hello, I Am The Mythical Mile Class Person Who Republicans Say Will Benefit From Their New Tax Bill” Your butlers will enjoy it. :-)
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserve.
Happy Thanksgiving. If your uncle won’t shut up, give him more mashed potatoes.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
On Nov. 21, 2017 NPR’s Alina Selyukh reported “Justice Department Sues To Block AT&T’s Merger With Time Warner”. DOJ is worried that the merger will concentrate too much control over content and drive up prices. Both companies said they would respond to these allegations on Wednesday between 10 and 11 AM. They then put DOJ on hold.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
I have found a new recipe for squash. I hope it will make the gourd edible. Apparently you pound it until it looks like baby food and then do the same to an apple and mix them together. You put it in little containers and then give it to someone else.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
Scientists suspect there is a previously unknown space inside the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt. I wonder if it is full of snakes like in an Indiana Jones movie?
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
On Oct. 28, 2017 NPR’s Melissa Block reported “Top American Fears: Sharks And Zombies Or Corrupt Officials?” about the Survey of American Fears by Chapman University. “And we’re apparently as fearful of sharks as of computers replacing people in the workforce.” Frankly, I have yet to meet a shark that can code.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
On Sep. 27, 2017 Australia’s ABC News reported that Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said his country was starting a space agency. It could bring in $4.17 billion a year and create 11,700 jobs. First they must tackle the difficult engineering problem of launching rockets upside down.
Copyright 2017 DJ ClineAll rights reserved.
CNN reported that Amazon was looking for a second headquarters. Nobody can afford to live in Seattle anymore so they need to look someplace else in North America. Amazon wants to hire 50,000 workers and pay them over $100,000 a year. NPR reported that the cities had to have at least a million people like Baltimore, Chicago, Dallas, Detroit, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Toronto and Washington, D.C. I am not sure this is going to work. A few years ago Boeing moved its headquarters from Seattle to Chicago. It did not seem to a help people in either place. Employees kept flying back and forth in Boeing planes. Maybe Amazon employees will be carried back and forth by those little drones. IBM use to buy employee’s housing when they relocated. It worked well.
The solution might be to create more affordable housing in Seattle. It might be cheaper than moving. Wherever they move it will create the same kind of destructive real estate speculation that happened in Seattle.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
It is over a hundred degrees in Silicon Valley again. I need to attend more events to get more clean t-shirts.
Note: Recommend Alfred Bester’s story Fondly Fahrenheit.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
The Amazon corporate universe continues to expand. I wonder if Whole Foods will be able to wrap their locally sourced fish in the Washington Post and have it delivered by an Amazon drone?
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
A solar eclipse is like Fox News, you should not look directly at it.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
On August 21, 2017 NASA reports there will be a solar eclipse across the continental United States. As if things were not weird enough…
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
On Aug. 10, 2017 McSweeney’s Ben Kronengold wrote “I’m A Google Manufacturing Robot And I believe Humans Are Biologically Unfit To Have Jobs In Tech””I, a manufacturing robot at Google Factory C4.7, value diversity and inclusion. I also do not deny that machines are sometimes given preference to humans in the workplace. All I’m suggesting in this document is that humans’ underrepresentation in tech is not due to discrimination. Rather, it is a result of biological differences. Specifically, humans have a biology.” Many of my robot friends thought this was as funny as Jonathan Swift’s essays.
Copyright 2017 DJ Cline All rights reserved.
On Aug. 9, 2017 Variety reported that David Letterman will stream an interview show on Netflix. I wonder if he will keep the beard?
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